Know the Difference Between Sex and Making Love in Recovery So You Can Do Both

Now that you are sober, do you know how to have sex and make love?

For those of you not clear on the difference between sex and making love, here’s the distinction: Sex is an animal event. It’s purely a physical thing. Making love, on the other loin, is a human experience. Making love includes the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual parts of us, all the parts that make us human.

A quote I like by Dr. Pat Allen is, “Anyone can have sex. Not everyone can make love. Some people only have sex, but those who can make love can do both.”

So, however long you are sober, are you up for some great sex and making love? If yes, get ready for some juicy experiences. Some of you, I realize, may be abstaining for awhile, or don’t have a partner at the moment. That’s okay. This information will serve to desensitize you for when the time comes. For those of you in sexual relationships now, or anyone about to embark on any new sexual activity, here are some tips on how to create a rich and fulfilling sex/love life in recovery.

1. Learn how to make love. Learning how to make love requires you answering questions like these, so you can bring your entire being into the experience:

   Physical. Do you have physical chemistry with your partner? (This actually can’t be learned. You either have it or you don’t.) Does your partner’s body smell good to you? Do you feel good in your body? How do you like to be touched?

   Mental. What does your brain tell you about being sexual with your partner, and about sexuality in general? Do you have intrusive thoughts from any trauma, or any outdated beliefs that get in the way of being present? If yes, are you willing to get help with this?

   Emotional. Emotions, some unexpected, arise with sexual activity. What feelings come up for you when you are with your partner sexually? Do you feel connected in a positive way? Have you ever cried or dissociated with sexual connection? Or laughed joyously in sex play? Do you feel free to express emotions as they bubble up?

   Spiritual. Do you approach your sexual experiences with spiritual principles? Meaning, is your sexuality guided by spiritual tenets such as love, honesty, trust, faith and acceptance? And, do you care about yourself and the other person?

   With an earnest desire and some concrete action with a trusted other, you can discover how to make love with another human being. With this, you can bring your full-bodied, mental, emotional and spiritual self to the high experience of love making.

2. Be open to taking emotional risks and feeling vulnerable. Sex and making love are über-sensitive areas for most recovering folk. Examining your past sexual conduct, and defining what you want for your future sex life is only the beginning of fulfilling your custom made, healthy sex life. The next step will be communicating your sexual self with a trusted other, which means, of course, you will feel vulnerable. IMPORTANT NOTE: Trust is built with someone who builds a trustworthy record - over time. Never blindly trust unless you want to cause yourself pain or acquire a sexually transmitted disease.

3. Be honest with your partner. Let’s say you’ve done your personal work, and you’re good to go. Next is disclosing what you want and don’t want with your partner. This means technique, style, and how you engage (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) are all up for honest conversation, exploration and negotiation.

   Maybe one day you want raw, animal or maintenance sex, but another day you want romantic role play. Or, perhaps you cringe when you partner twists your nipple that certain way. Wouldn’t you want your mate to know this? And wouldn’t you want to say what would feel good to your nipple, too? And, maybe you’ll find there is a way to communicate non-verbally so you don’t interrupt the flow in the moment.

   For those without a steady partner, let’s say you just want a one-night stand (just sex). That’s okay. Just disclose it so no one gets hurt, and you don’t feel guilty and obligated. Strike a clean deal, in other words.

   Honest dialogue is key to healthy, sober sexuality. And, there is a way to be honest and kind.

4. Be clear about sex and making love. If you know what you are doing and why you are doing it, you are less likely to get hurt (or hurt others). Let’s say you want to make love with your partner, and you get the feeling your partner is just doing it to get off (to have sex), or vice versa. Clarity will allow you to have a conversation with your partner about this, rather than you expecting him/her/them to be different. Like the saying goes, “Expectations are premeditated resentments,” and recovering people can not afford resentments!

5. Sex is okay. If you don’t want the work that comes with learning how to make love, and you only want sex, that’s okay. Just be honest with yourself and the other. That said, if you are visiting massage parlors in secret, let’s say, and you think you might have a sex addiction problem, reach out for help from Sex Addicts Anonymous or a certified sex addiction professional. There is help for you.

For anyone who wants a deeper dive into this subject, many books abound. For sober people sex can be addictive, confusing or taboo, so gathering information is a good idea. Honestly sharing any troubling thoughts with a professional or other trustworthy, sober people you admire will be key. If you are openminded and willing to to be a new YOU in the bedroom (or in the kitchen or wherever), you will discover the freedom and joy in your ability to have sex and make love.

In recovery, you’ve got your brain back, and have reconnected to your heart. This means you can learn to make love. YOU can make love. How freaking amazing is that?