The Recovery Cycle and My Life-Long Love of Sober Living
If you have a serious problem with alcohol, you know the drill.
First, you think, or rather, fantasize, about the drink — a little too much.
Then, you do that ritual thing you do that leads up to getting that drink, like planning your trip to the liquor store or calling a friend to sniff out a party.
Next, you find yourself downing your favorite beer, or whatever booze is on hand if your preferred isn’t available.
The next morning, you wake up liquor stinky, with a vague sense that something is wrong.
Maybe you blacked out, and don’t remember anything past that first Bud or mojito. Then, possibly, you turn toward the alarm clock and see someone you don’t know sleeping next to you. The grip of despair tightens as you try to piece the evening together.
Later that day or a week or sometime after, though, you find yourself fantasizing about the drink all over again. And what comes next?
Well, again, you know the drill.
This round-and-round loop-de-loop actually has a name — the Addiction Cycle.
The Addiction Cycle
Here are the four points of the Addiction Cycle:
Preoccupation: Thoughts obsessively geared toward drinking/using.
Rituals: Personal routines or behaviors that lead up to taking that drink, (where you almost feel high).
Using: Drinking alcohol (or using any substance or behavior to get high).
Despair/Guilt/Shame: The crappy feelings felt after using.
If you have experienced this shadowy hell show, you identify with this prison-like cycle and the ghoulish isolation that comes along with it.
But what about a better way of living — without alcohol — which includes good feelings of connection, freedom, and joy?
The Recovery Cycle
After a bout of drinking and a frightening suicide attempt, I stumbled off the hellish addiction spiral and landed on a new ride.
The Recovery Cycle — the positive mirror image of the Addiction Cycle — plays out like this:
Recovery Focus: A mindset about how to attain and maintain the sober life you want. Development of thoughts focused on sober living and what a good life without alcohol or drugs can be.
Recovery Rituals: Consistent activities and behaviors that support a recovery program and the sober life you want. Recovery Rituals are personally meaningful and include connections with other sober people.
Contrary Action: Positive action rather than resorting to habitual, self-destructive behaviors.
Range of Feelings: A growing ability to tolerate an expanded Range of Feelings.
And speaking of feelings…
Regardless of the emotions experienced, the recovering person’s focus can shift back to recovery and how to maintain and nurture it — especially with support from other trustworthy, sober people.
Whereas the Addiction Cycle results in perpetual isolation, the Recovery Cycle offers connection, which, according to some, is the opposite of addiction.
When I entered the Recovery Cycle, the last thing I thought I wanted was connection — people scared me. After the suicide attempt, I just knew I didn’t want to die; and I wanted to find a way to be comfortable in my own skin — sober. This was the beginning of my Recovery Focus.
Then I collapsed into rehab.
Developing a Recovery Focus
At the time I dropped onto the sober scene, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) was the way to get sober. I landed in a no-cost, state-run facility where a three-month stay and AA meetings were required.
This little rehab on a cliff helped me develop a Recovery Focus. In those early days, surrounded by scraggly people and happy sober faces, my Recovery Focus began to include more hopeful thoughts about sobriety, like:
People care, and, I can laugh and have fun sober, and, I can do anything sober, like go back to school.
These were much better thoughts than: How will I sneak that beer? Or, How can I kill myself without actually killing myself?
A Recovery Focus — keeping my eye on the prize of sobriety and the good life I wanted for myself — has paid off. I have that good life, but still, even after all these years, I can take a perfectly good moment or day at the beach and trash it up with thoughts like: If only it was 80 degrees out instead of 85, or, I’m irrelevant.
To keep out of the trap of negative thinking and to maintain good sober focus — and to feel better if I’m feeling irritable or discontent — I turn to Recovery Rituals.
Recovery Rituals
Early in sobriety, I learned that no matter how I felt or what I thought, I was to do my Recovery Rituals. Now, it’s the same thing. My brain and feelings can do whatever, but my smart feet take me to my rituals.
Recovery Rituals, I discovered, needed to have personal meaning for me, so, I found meetings with young people who wanted sobriety as much as I did. I was told to show up consistently (the “ritual” part) so I could get to know these people. After showing up regularly to meetings with these like-minded people, I didn’t want to drink — and I felt better.
Before sobriety, I needed a drink to socialize with anyone. At that time, I didn’t believe people were sources of love. So, to feel good after a meeting and want to hang out with people after — all while sober? Well, that was different. Good different.
But the most transformative thing I learned was how to do new things that were good for me and my life. Things that were contrary — and sometimes the exact opposite of — the habitual self-destructive stuff many addicted people do even after they sober up (like, nurse bad relationships, overeat ice cream, etc.).
The name for doing things in a better way so I can feel good about my recovery and life?
Contrary Action
Think replacing a bad habit with a healthy one.
The first Contrary Action any recovering person takes is to not drink.
Not drinking, though, is just the beginning and most basic constituent of recovery. To grow and live the life we want, we need to stretch.
Early in sobriety, the Contrary Action I took (instead of drinking) was hanging out with sober people. I called sober friends or just did whatever my sponsor said to do when I felt squirrely or afraid.
Also, because of engaging in Recovery Rituals, I learned about all kinds of positive actions I could do so I could live the sober life I envisioned for myself.
For example, I wanted to go to college, but fear would get in the way. I had talked myself out of signing up for classes many times. At a meeting, however, someone suggested I check out the classes offered at a junior college. “No big deal, just get the schedule,” someone said.
I did that, and next thing I knew my sponsor was helping me fill out financial aid forms for the following school year.
Then, I got my bachelor's degree five years later, and years after that went back to a master's program.
Taking Contrary Action, no matter how small, has always helped me grow in a positive way and move me toward the sober life I want. But, there is a price. And that price is…
…feelings.
A Range of Feelings
Sober and engaged in life, we get to learn how to sit with and experience a huge amount of feelings, ranging from excruciatingly embarrassing (my least favorite) to off-the-charts joyous (which I always want more of). In short, we get to be sober humans.
I get to feel self-conscious and vulnerable when I lose my train of thought while giving a speech in front of 100 people.
I get to feel irritated with my mother, and compassion for her, too.
I get to own my frustration when my husband wants the walls painted blue, and I want them white. Then I get to feel satisfied and in love again after we’ve worked it out.
Yes, best of all, I get to feel the love again. For my family, others, recovery, and my life.
Sober, I get to experience some not-so-good feelings, for sure, but also feelings I never thought possible. Like joy. And love.
What a privilege it is to be a sober human.
No End Point
Now, almost four decades sober, my Range of Feelings is wide. When I feel anything and pay attention on purpose, I can become aware of my thoughts. Most of the time, I have a good Recovery Focus. Then it seems to be time for another Recovery Ritual. And then, a Contrary Action. And then, more feelings. And on good days, which are more often than not, I get to feel connected in a way, frankly, I don’t want to describe, because it will sound like some mescaline infused hippy trip.
The Recovery Cycle — this life-long, one day at a time trippy process — helps me think and do better, which adds up to feeling better and loving more, and more.
Are you ready for the ride of your life? You can jump on the Recovery Cycle anytime.