4 Tips to Live the Sober Life You Want

If you want to hit the bullseye, you first need to find the target. Then you can aim and fire that arrow. In recovery from alcoholism or any addiction, we do the same thing. We focus in the direction of the recovery — and life — we want, and then move toward it.

To hit the center, though, that place where you can be the person you’ve always wanted to be in your life — without your addiction — requires a keen and deliberate focus on what YOU want.

As a sober person, to focus on what you want might seem selfish (to some of you). But chances are, somewhere along the line before your addiction kicked in, you sacrificed yourself in some way — i.e., put your wants aside — in favor of someone else’s. You may have drank or used over this.

Maybe you don’t even know what you want. Or, perhaps you think what you want is not possible, so perpetual martyrdom — or tyranny, for some — become a part of your persona.

Without knowing what you want, or not believing you can negotiate for it, you rob yourself of the central idea of what recovery is all about—joyfully living the life YOU want, without your addiction.

So how do you, as a sober person, learn to live in the center of your own life? The answer: By embracing the Recovery Cycle, which includes a maintaining a Recovery Focus, which means:

Envisioning and identifying the recovery — and sober life — YOU want. (This YOU in caps is that person inside you that knows you best and aches to be free.)

Here are a few ways to develop your own personal Recovery Focus so you can live the life you want. No particular order here.

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1. Notice your negative thoughts

The disease of alcoholism or any addiction centers in the mind. This goes for whether you are newly sober or an old-timer. Therefore, mindfulness — the ability to pay attention, on purpose, and in a nonjudgmental way—can help you notice faulty thinking which might lead you away from the sobriety and life you want.

For instance, a new person in sobriety said to me the other day, “My brain told me a drink would make it easier to visit my family.”

I had to laugh.

“I can relate,” I told this newcomer. “My back hurt and my brain said a prescription of oxy would make it better.”

By taking the time to notice noticing our thoughts — and not acting on every thought that stomps by — we become familiar with the self-destructive thinking which kept us in an addictive rut and living a life we didn’t want.

Also, notice that inner voice that has always been YOU. You might just notice some good input arising from your mind…

2. Write out your dreams

For anyone in recovery, writing out a resentment list/inventory (i.e., the 4th Step in the Twelve Step programs) helps clear wreckage from the past, and gives you a good look at what you don’t want. Also, evidenced based expressive writing effectively assists with trauma or secrets.

The writing tool can also be used for dreams and goals too, however.

Writing out what you want requires you think about what YOU want and who YOU want to be in your life. This means your wants around recovery and everything else in your life.

For example, what program do you want to support your recovery? Who do you want as your sober support squad? And…

What do you want to do for work? Do you want to be a nutritionist? A cabinet maker? Where do you want to live? South Dakota? Tanzania? Or, if a life of travel is your thing, how do you see yourself travelling sober?

Then there’s the internal stuff…

Do you want to develop the spiritual? Are compassion and acceptance values you want to practice?

Your wants can be anything. Put all your aspirations and dreams on paper. Tell your dream blocker to pipe down so YOU can flow on to the paper. Be as general and specific as you want. Just write!

The writing process may just unlock the chest that has been keeping all of your dreams tucked away in the dark.

3. Find demonstrator models

People with successful recovery programs live in the center of their own lives and show us how to do it. These steady sober people show us how to focus in a successful, centered way.

I noticed, for example, how one sober woman demonstrated an irresistible accepting attitude to all who crossed her path. To this day, vastly different political opinions, lifestyles and temperaments never seem to shake her supportive manner.

Being solid and non-judgmental is on my list of qualities I value, so, this woman became my demonstrator model — I focused on how she treated people.

Then one day a relative spouted off what I thought was a ridiculous statement, and I thought to myself, What would my demonstrator model do? And, What look would she have on her face? Then I did what I knew she would do — I said nothing, my head bobbing in neutral.

To learn how to be in the center or your own life, look for demonstrator models in whatever area you want to move toward. Watch how they do it. Then, if you dare, ask them to be your mentor, or at the very least, do what they do.

4. Ditch the “poor me” attitude and interview others you admire

Find someone you who has what you want and ask them how they got it.

This “interviewing” (or conversation) might shed light on what it will take for you to move closer to your dreams or goals. Everything we do comes with a price, so why not see what other people paid for the prize of their good lives?

I knew a sober person, for example, who complained about never having any money. She called anyone financially successful (i.e., content with what they had) “lucky.” She spent precious time comparing herself with others — and peddled how she always felt shortchanged.

My thought? This woman squandered away valuable time with an “ain’t it awful” attitude about her fiscal state, failing to ask those lucky people how they got so fortunate. Now, 30 years later, she lives on no retirement and a meager social security check, which would be fine if she was content, but she is not.

Another person I’ve know for many years asked a few people in his recovery program how they became financially successful — and then took action to change his financial ways. Today this man is rich. Not just monetarily — he claims his joy comes from helping others who want to become fiscally responsible.

Talking with others — those who have what you want— can provide clarity on what it might take to get what you say you want. Then you can decide if you really want to do the work to get it. This goes for finances, jobs, values, relationships and everything else.

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Your Recovery Focus will be personal to you. The suggestions above are but a few:

Place your attention on watching your thinking, paying close attention to both the negative thinking and your inner voice.

Dream. Write out your goals and aspirations.

Find people who have what you want.

Talk to them. Do what they do, or don’t and refocus on something you might be willing to work for.

Then, enjoy the unfolding of your life as you come to know your sober center.

If this was helpful, follow me on Instagram @joiandreoli for more, and look out for my upcoming book on the Recovery Cycle:)