Do It Sober—How to Have the Sex You Want in Sobriety
Once the post sobriety hoopla has waned, a stark reality may have revealed itself in the bedroom:
Maybe you’re experiencing a kind of frozen limb syndrome — your legs, sadly, remain stiff when you want them to undulate. Or, perhaps, intrusive thoughts spring forth from your psyche, catapulting you back to a traumatic past, resulting in you dissociating during what could be hot — and intimate — sex.
Or, it could be you find yourself repeatedly lapsing into the lazy-side roll, because it’s easy and gets the job done — but ho-hum is the word that comes to mind if you had to describe your sex life to someone.
Or, maybe you’re not having sex at all — for whatever reason. And if you’re okay with that, it’s okay!
But if you’re not okay with any of the above or the status of your current sex life, the Recovery Cycle might help you get the sex you want in sobriety.
Giving oneself over to the Recovery Cycle insures a fulfilling and thriving sober existence— in all areas of one’s life — including the sexual part. Here’s how, in four parts:
1. Recovery Focus — Envisioning the sex you want.
In sobriety, you get to imagine and define the kind of sexual life you want for yourself. This is your sex Recovery Focus. That said, sober sex is about growing into having healthy sex. But what is “healthy sex?”
Alexandra Katehakis, Ph.D., Clinical Director of the Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles, has answered the question, “What is Healthy Sex?” in much of her work. Here is a partial list of what she has defined as healthy:
Is consensual
Is an individual choice
Includes healthy boundaries
Is respectful
Is responsible
Reflects the values of each partner
Is not manipulative or exploitative
Includes good communication
Is authentic and honest
Is not pathologically dissociative
Respects gender identity and sexual orientation
Enhances self-esteem
Perhaps the most important item on this partial list is honesty.
Getting honest about what you want and don’t want — according to your proclivities and sexual appetite —is what developing a sex Recovery Focus is all about.
Let’s say you think you crave variation and more intensity (but don’t know how to bring this up with your partner).
Or it could be you fancy different partners, without any commitments (but are too afraid to admit this — even to yourself).
Or, to generalize, it could be you know what you want, because you’ve imagined it in your mind over and over (but don’t have a clue as to how you can get it).
So, if you’ve been honest about what you want — based on who you are as a sexual being — what is keeping you from thrusting toward it…or magnetizing it?
Enter Recovery Rituals.
2. Recovery Rituals — Activities that support your sexual vision.
Recovery Rituals are activities you do consistently that will support the sexual recovery and healthy sex life you want.
Just like Recovery Rituals (for your recovery) are chosen by you because they have meaning for YOU, so it is with creating the sober sex life you want — the rituals must have meaning for YOU.
The subconscious mind, according to Freud and others, drives behavior. Changing behavior, then, will require working with the subconscious hard drive in your psyche — by installing regular software updates. These updates come in the form of Recovery Rituals.
Recovery Rituals with a sexual focus come in the form of books, mental health professionals, classes, therapy groups, tantra workshops, etc.
For example, after sobering up, if you have any sexual compulsivity issues or trauma, probably a good idea to see a certified sex therapist — regularly — to learn what is healthy as you work through what has been troubling. Or…
It could be you want to move away from humdrum maintenance sex, in which case you could pick up a copy of the book, Getting the Sex You Want by Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., and do the exercises with your partner.
Whatever you do, make it a regular thing.
Realizing your healthy sex life will be a challenge, for sure. You will, no doubt, be engaging in conversations or behaviors which probably won’t feel comfortable. But that’s okay. “Contrary Action” is another key part of part of change and growth in all areas, including the sexual.
3. Contrary Action — Positive action out of your comfort zone.
Contrary Action, in recovery terms, is doing something other than habitual self-destructive behavior.; it is positive action and ultimately good for you, even though it might not feel comfortable.
To grow in any way we need to take risks. Many recovering people, however, don’t like taking emotional risks! Yet, taking the risk of being honest about what we want and don’t want, and communicating that, especially around sexual matters, will be key in growing a healthy — and fulfilling — sex life.
There are as many examples of Contrary Action as there are sexual preferences. Taking this positive action may include:
Talking to your partner about frequency (whereas before you wouldn’t speak up.)
Telling a potential partner you aren’t interested in a committed relationship, but are attracted sexually and would they be okay with sex without a commitment? (whereas before you were evasive.)
Getting support from a therapist and admitting you are gay (whereas before you pretended attraction to the opposite sex.)
Showing your partner how to kiss you and/or touch you in a different way, (whereas before you just lived with what you got, even though it didn’t feel as good as it could…or it hurt, but not a good hurt.)
Contrary Action, like your Recovery Focus and Recovery Rituals, will be personal to YOU.
Just as you had to do something instead of drinking or using drugs to get sober, changing up your sex life is no different. Remember:
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
But with any change, we are sure to experience some new and deeper feelings, which brings us to…
4. Range of Feelings-The ability to tolerate an expanded range of feelings around sexual topics and experiences.
Anyone who has quit drinking (or using) knows feelings come with the clarity sobriety brings. It’s no different with the sober sex stuff.
Developing the capacity to experience and manage both uncomfortable and pleasurable feelings in the sexual life is key to healing and sexual freedom in recovery.
I’ve seen people heal in miraculous ways as they’ve surrendered to some awful feelings around sexual trauma and compulsion, only to report later the emotional, physical and spiritual connectedness they feel with the partners(s) and themselves. But the good feelings come with some work.
The late David Schnarch, Ph.D., in his book Passionate Marriage, describes cases of long-term sexual difficulty overcome with clients who engage in the the process of differentiation. The risk of abandonment while “holding onto oneself,” as Schnarch says, is chock-full of intense feelings! However….
That intensity, if managed well, can translate into more self esteem and you getting the sex you want.
And the added bonus? You not only get to be a more authentic you in the bedroom, but also a more real you in other areas of your life, too — sober.
With all of the above, a deeper connection to oneself and one’s sexual partner(s) is the grand payoff, which will outlast even the most explosive orgasm.
Recovery Cycle Sex in a Nutshell
In summary, to get the sex you want:
Envision the sex life YOU want.
Make a point to do something regularly to learn more about what a good, healthy sex life is for YOU.
Take positive action to move toward your sexual ideal/vision.
Acknowledge, sit with, and work through any discomfiting feelings — and enjoy the pleasurable feelings, too, as you discover the “heal in the real” around your blossoming authenticity around your sexuality.
Also, remember to notice how more connected you feel to your innermost self and others.
Note: If sexual compulsivity has been a problem, it’s best to reach out to your sponsor, sober guide, or a professional before embarking on any self-guided sexual recovery plan.
Finally, getting sober has many challenges. Learning how to have sober sex is just one of them. You can do it. You can have the healthy, sober sex you want. It just takes some willingness and work